Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
