Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
