my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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