watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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