she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
