i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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