HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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