I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
