i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
