i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
being pregnant is like rehab
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
