Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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