; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
