what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
