i already hear my dad disowning me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It was confusing and full of hummus
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
