the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
