My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
