I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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