if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
