I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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