if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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