hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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