Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
