yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
