the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize