I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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