Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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