Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
