a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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