i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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