just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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