He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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