Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize