Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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