she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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