I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
