apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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