I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
