So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Barsexuality is the new black.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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