just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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