Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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