The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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