if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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