So drunk its hurt
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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