just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
