My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
