I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
