Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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