i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
