my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
