did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize