I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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