Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
