Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
