Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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