Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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