i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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