I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
