he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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