why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize