I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
