i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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