filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
