I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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