Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
