he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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